Repentance
by Sparkling-Iris
Summary: You wish you were in a better position so you could ram your foot into the fifteen-year-old's head and just beat him down. He's already seen, though. It's too late. He saw you – Levi, humanity's strongest soldier – break down right in front of him. Eren/Levi. Oneshot. [2nd Person; Present Tense]


**Pairing: Eren/Levi  
>Rating: T<br>Note: Yaoi, angst, fluff, mild language, slight sexual content**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan.**

**Enjoy! ^^;**

**/**

You don't know why this is happening.

You're breathing heavily, hands tangled in that brat Eren's hair as your mouths press together ardently. It's all teeth and tongue, rough and unforgiving, but you don't care. You prefer it like this because at this point, you want it to hurt, you need to know that it's _real_.

Maybe it's because it's been a while since you've been this physically close with anyone, or maybe you're just delirious from fatigue, desperate for some sort of comfort, but you're moaning now, just from kissing an inexperienced kid, arching your body into the younger's. It should be embarrassing, but all shreds of rationality have flown from your mind. You can sense a strange emotion building inside you, one you're not used to…_anger?_

_No, that's not it._

It's indescribable, but it's intense and somewhat painful. Your body is hot, burning, and it takes a moment to realize that it's not because you're sprawled out on your bed making out with someone half your age. This was supposed to be only for comfort, to put a momentary stop to all of the pain that you've been experiencing. But now you just feel guilty and lonely and helpless.

You don't know what's wrong with you.

Pulling away from Eren, you take a moment to catch your breath. The other's hands are hiking up your shirt, exposing your abdomen, naively unaware of your distress. He's taking in the sight of your bare torso fervently, and you know the timing for this is all off, but you can't help it. Your eyes are stinging now.

It's completely unrelated to what Eren and you have been doing, but you know that if he sees how you're reacting, he'll feel responsible. Even more guilty than he already feels.

You can't let him see your face.

_Damn it._

Swallowing once, you try to push Eren off of you in a half-ditch act of desperation – maybe you can snap at him and get him out of your room before this gets any more complicated – but you don't have much energy, and your eyes are cloudy. It's only when Eren looks up at you in confusion that the first tear runs down your cheek.

You're cursing yourself for not being able to keep it together, and you wish you were in a better position so you could ram your foot into the fifteen-year-old's head and just beat him down. He's already seen, though. It's too late. He saw you – Levi, humanity's strongest soldier – break down right in front of him.

Looking away, you burrow your face into the blankets. You can't even look him in the eye, you're so afraid – yes, _afraid _– of what he'll say.

_What the hell am I doing?_

/

It all started when that damn brat decided to knock on your door in the middle of the night at some ungodly hour.

You're a light sleeper, so the sound wakes you up almost up instantly, even though it wasn't particularly loud. Sitting up in bed, you glare at the door irritably, just _knowing _that it has to be him. Eren.

Nobody else is idiotic enough to bother you when you're sleeping; nobody else would be wasting time wandering around this late. Sleep is important nowadays. You need as much of it as you can get.

Stifling a rather undignified yawn, you push the thin blankets away and get out of bed, walking across the dark room to see what the hell Eren wants.

"_What_?" you snap as you open the door. You see the titan-shifter standing there, nervousness playing over his face. He jerks back a bit when he sees your expression.

In one hand is a candle, its flame wavering as he shifts from one foot to the other. That's when you notice that he's still wearing his boots, his jacket – God, he even has the straps for the 3DMG on. You scowl. "Do you know how _late_ it is?"

Eren swallows a bit nervously at your tone, straightening up. He seems a bit embarrassed, probably because he can tell that you just got out of bed. You know that your hair's a bit messed up right now, and you know your clothes are rumpled, but you don't care at all. You just want the brat to state his business and leave already. You're tired enough as it is, and that's _with _sleep.

"What is it?" you ask again. "Spit it out."

The other nods jerkily. "Y-yes, Corporal Levi, sir!"

He stops suddenly, and you fix him with a dull stare. "_Yeah_? What is it? Do you need to take a crap? Did you need me to walk you to the bathroom?"

"Er, no! I, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something!"

"How long is this gonna take?" The boy is really starting to grate on your nerves, but when he stumbles ungracefully for an answer, you just sigh. You're too tired to tell him to go away. The past few days have been especially hard on you, but it's not like you're going to tell him that.

"No, not long," Eren replies. He looks away. "I just…I wanted to say that I-I'm…"

Blazing green eyes are suddenly consuming your vision, and you can't stop yourself from feeling surprised at the intensity.

"Corporal Levi, I'm sorry! I'm…I'm so sorry for what happened to-"

"_Stop_," you cut in quietly before he can say anything more, "don't be stupid."

Eren becomes silent immediately, and he bites his lip, eyebrows furrowed. He's upset; you can tell.

You know what he's referring to, and you don't want him to say it.

_What happened that day can't be changed, _you tell yourself.

But right now, it's too painful – too soon after the fact – to face it head on, to hear him actually come out and apologize for something like that. Eren made the choice of trusting his comrades, but who knows if it was the right decision or not? He couldn't have known. It wasn't truly his fault that they died. Maybe it would have happened no matter what.

"We can't keep regretting our actions," you say after a moment, aware that you sound uncaring, cold. When you see Eren's expression, you know he's feeling terrible, and it makes everything that much more excruciating.

It suddenly dawns on you why he's still awake, why he's still fully dressed. It's because he never went to sleep in the first place. He was too upset to sleep, too worried. About you.

_Why does he care so much?_

You're trying to maintain that façade of indifference, but you know it's starting to weaken. You wish you knew what he was thinking because your own guilt is even stronger than Eren's. Even though you know you shouldn't think like this, you can't help wondering; if you had been there at the time, would they have died?

"Corporal Levi, I-" Eren's voice cracks, and he clears his throat, "-I'm sorry..."

He looks like he wants to say more, but he breaks off. He can't articulate what he's feeling.

Without a word, you move aside, gesturing him into your room.

_We shouldn't be having this kind of conversation out here._

If you send Eren away now, he still won't find any sleep. He'll lie awake wondering about whether you're truly okay, whether he could have acted differently. He won't be any use if he's stumbling around half-asleep tomorrow morning. You tell yourself that you're doing this for Eren, but a small voice at the back of your mind says otherwise.

Eren blinks once, surprised. "A-are you sure this is okay?"

He knows that you don't go around inviting people into your room all the time.

But this is an exception.

You nod, and the boy walks in hesitantly, glancing around the neat, rather Spartan, bedroom. The candlelight is flickering and bouncing off of the walls, and you close the door and go to sit down on the bed. Just then, a wave of loneliness washes over you so powerfully that your breath hitches. You'd been trying not to think about what happened that day with the female titan, but it's all gone to waste. Eren bringing it up is making you remember it all too vividly. Eld, Gunther, Oluo, Petra.

_They're. All. Gone._

Having the matter brought up again by _Eren_ of all people makes it worse. You want to blame him for what happened, but you know you can't. You blame yourself more than anyone.

"Eren," you say, breaking the silence, "you can sleep here tonight."

The titan-shifter puts the candle down on your desk and approaches you timidly. He's biting his lip, and he's shaking slightly. He looks like he's going to cry, but he doesn't. "Corporal-"

Your mind is a complete mess right now, and your chest _hurts _so much that you just want to rip and tear at yourself until you bleed. You wish that Eren would just-

_I don't know anymore._

Like all decisions in life, you don't know if the next one you make is right or wrong.

/

"Corporal Levi! What's wrong?!" Eren becomes frantic and his hands leave your body to try to move the blankets away from your face. "Did I do something?"

_Stop it…_

You hear him asking you if you're alright again and again and again, but you can't answer. You're worried your voice will give away how much pain you feel. You're still crying, and it's not like you're even fully aware of it. The tears started running on their own and you can't stop them.

Eren finally succeeds in yanking the blankets away from your tired hands, and in your peripheral vision, you see him gazing down at you with concern. "Corporal, a-are you okay?"

"Stop calling me that..." you mutter. Your voice is hoarse and barely audible, but Eren is close enough to hear. He carefully brushes one of the tears away, and for some reason, it makes you feel a tiny bit better.

"Levi…" he says softly, not using your title, "what's wrong?"

You feel a bit surprised; you didn't know that someone like Eren could be so gentle. He was always going on about killing titans, always so intense about it – that's probably one of the things about him that impressed you – but seeing this side of him is startling. It's nice, though. You like this Eren.

You begin to feel…odd. A tingly warmth settles in your chest, helping ease the pain that had been there before.

Your tears are slowly stopping.

It isn't long before you find the strength to look at Eren properly. Pride makes it difficult to hold eye contact when your emotions are clear on your face, but you manage anyway. You know that you don't look apathetic like you usually do, and it's difficult to have to open up to someone like this, but at the same time…

_It's not bad._

Eren's brown hair is a bit ruffled, eyes shining with worry, face close to yours. It's not the same as that passionate determination he normally shows, but it's just as intense. Just in a different way. When he notices that your body is trembling slightly, he suddenly looks away and understanding passes over his face. It took him a long time to realize what you were upset about, and now he, for the second time tonight, looks like he's going to start crying _with_ you.

"I'm so sorry!" he chokes out for what has to be the hundredth time. "I should have st-stayed with them to fight off the female titan!"

Your brain can't even seem to process what's happening. It's so messed up.

Eren clutches at the blanket, his knuckles going white; he looks as pained as you feel, but somehow, seeing him like this is just making it worse. You don't want him to be upset. It's not his fault.

You reach over and touch his face lightly. "Hey," you finally speak up, "it's fine."

The titan-shifter looks at you, his emotions playing blatantly over his features. He knows it's not fine. "But...what about you? Will you be okay?"

On a whim, you try to smile a bit to reassure him that you are, in fact, okay, and the expression feels foreign on your face. It's been so long since you smiled. Eren's eyes widen almost comically, and then he smiles back weakly. It's almost enough to make you forget why you were crying in the first place.

"I'm okay," you reply. You deliberately don't say that you _will_ be okay. In this life, you can't promise such things, but this should be enough for Eren. You smile a bit more naturally this time, and you realize that even though you're a lot older than him, it hardly matters in light of all that's happened. To you, it doesn't matter what age Eren is, just as long as he's there.

You'd never admit it out loud, but at least you don't feel so alone anymore.

"Eren…" you say, "thank you. Really."

The boy looks like he's going to pass out, and you can't help but find his reaction a bit amusing. You hate feeling too attached to people; you never know if they'll be alive from one day to the next, and you've learned that the hard way, but you're secretly glad that Eren's here with you.

"Corporal-" he hugs you tightly, almost like a little kid (which makes you consider retracting your 'age doesn't matter' thought from before), and you respond by tugging his hair more sharply than was probably necessary. He yelps.

"Idiot..." you murmur, "I told you not to call me that."


End file.
